Soliloquy

What a note to start on, huh? I just realized how many people I've lost track of over time and distance -- I wanted to start this page to have a place to soliloquize. As Belinda thought, it's been a long time since I've soliliquized. I miss it.

So, I'm completely stuck in school right now. I have to pass a test at 225 words per minute - yes, that's two hundred and twenty-five - in November, and I'm still needing so much practice it's not even funny.

Warning-- I use esoteric phraseology.

Soliloquy:

Do you ever feel like you don't know anyone anymore? The people you thought you knew turn on your family, and then, just when you need them, you turn on your family! Sure, you'll say, it was just early morning grumps. Go and apologize. Don't worry, it will all go away. But then I start to think about my character. Is there something I need to look at when I am dismissive of anyone else's feelings? Well, duh. No need to wonder there.

It's a big step to leave a church you've been attending for eight to ten years. Actually, my mother doesn't like to use the term 'church' in that context. She'll say, we're all the church. We're just leaving this congregation, I say. Still, you almost feel lost. So, you marinate in your feelings, and suddenly realize -- Who can I talk to about this? My mother's already stressed out and using me for a sounding board. I want to talk to someone outside my family, but my most understanding friend goes to that church! Then, to make matters worse, you aren't really allowed to say anything that would explain it to anyone.

So, people who were friends with you before: I'm not the glue that holds groups together. My sister was ill, I was starting school as well, and I've lost contact. I hardly know how to talk to any of the girls from that group anymore; sure, it was just highschool, but you have to remember, this wasn't public school. This was a group of homeschooled girls whose families had been in close connection through the graduating class only.

So, now, what do I do? Email my brother, who just went off to college? Sweet, but not exactly what I'm looking for. I don't want to start again. I'm not the kind of person who gets invited places, and I don't send invitations very often. The last party I had was my birthday -- I sent out about 20 invitations and 3 people came.



Whiney, isn't it. Looking over that, I'm tempted to erase it. So much for a pity party -- it's not even constructive, because all I've said is that I don't want to have to work at anything. I want full-grown friends to fall from the sky.

I'll leave it. Maybe I'll come back someday and wonder at how immature I am.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

So, life goes on.

I do have happy things going on. I am recently finding more and new friends, even though I am losing others. Maybe if I keep my eyes open and I'm not afraid to try a little harder, I'll find a good one.

The adoption of two new little brothers from Zambia seems to be going through. My book-writing effort is encouraging (I'll just have to make sure it's not to sappy with all this emotion I've been feeling!). My family will forgive me for being snappy -- if I promise to clean my room!

I'll keep practicing my stenography; after all, it's not every day that a student reaches the rarified heights of 225 word per minute. And, with these mood swings, I seem to be a perfectly normal, functioning human female.


Aaah, I feel better already. I knew this would help. I believe I've rescinded my earlier conviction not to share this with anyone -- although I still can't think of many teeming thousands of friends. Who needs a thousand, anyway? Okay, I'm still having trouble think of even one friend in the country with whom I could share this. But, this isn't the only country in the world...